Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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