i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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