just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
