Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
