I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
