why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
