For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
