he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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