i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
