Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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