The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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