hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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