I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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