The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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