ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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