I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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