I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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