my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
