Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
