I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
