I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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