No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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