Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
