DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
