I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
