it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
