just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
