I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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