Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
