Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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