I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
