So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize