I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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