so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
