I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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