now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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