2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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