I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
