i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
