I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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