She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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