I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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