so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
