Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
