Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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