when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
