I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
