Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
