im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
is wine microwaveable?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
