yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
