he puts the penis in happiness.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
