i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish i was in the wii world.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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