I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
