There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
