The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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