Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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