Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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