woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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