too bad you live with your parents still
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
